Catfish: or, how to lose $8.50 and alienate viewers.

After you see this movie you will want to kick Ariel Shulman in the dick. And then you will want to find Henry Joost, the other director, and kick him in the taint. I was paid to see this movie and I still feel ripped off.
The ads portray the movie as some type of psycho thriller. It's even billed as "the best Hitchcock movie Hitchcock never directed." This news would make Alfred Hitchcock do somersaults in his grave. This movie is not a thriller, in fact no part of this movie is thrilling. There are maybe, maybe ten minutes of the movie that will have the audience on edge, and even that falls on its face and disappoints.
As for the "emotional rollercoaster" the trailers promise, the only emotions you're going to feel in the last ten minutes is pissed off and robbed of your hard earned money.
The only thing that could make this movie worse would be a circus clown coming out midway through and hitting you in the face with a wet trout. Even then, that would distract you from this disaster so maybe it would be comparably refreshing.
If you work a minimum wage job it would take approximately one hour to pay for a ticket to this monstrosity. Here are a few better ways to spend that hard earned money: eat it, get it turned into pennies and throw them at the homeless, flush it down the toilet, any of these are a better use of your money.
After reviewing the final cut this film should have been taken into a field and shot by the producers.

Civet Coffee: or, Basil this tastes like crap...

Where is the most expensive coffee in the world from? Ethiopia? No. How about Hawaii, I hear they make a good cup? Nope. I know, I know, it must be from Guatemala, right? Again, no it is not from Guatemala. The most coveted, expensive, high-brow coffee bean in the world comes... out of a small cat-like mammal's ass.

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the Asian palm civet, or Luwak as it is called in Malaysia where the precious coffee beans are harvested. This animal ingests the coffee beans as a by-product of consuming the fruit surrounding it. The bean is then processed by the animal and deposited. Then, workers collect, wash, dry, and roast the beans before they are packaged and shipped out.

Let that percolate. This animal eats the fruits, digests the beans, then workers follow them picking beans out of the crap. Never mind that they are all cleaned before packaging, you are still purchasing crap.

Sure, coffee connoisseurs argue that this produces the richest, smoothest coffee on the planet but the fact of the matter is you're drinking crap. I don't see many people looking in Mr. Mitten's litter box for pre-digested delectables. Frankly my ideal morning does not involve following an animal around waiting for it to squeeze out a fresh cup of joe, but that's just me.

Still, if you feel the urge to experience all the rare foods of the world stick this on the list between Bengal burgers and dolphin danishes. Oh, and follow the link for purchasing information.

New Apple TV: or, damnit Steve, really?

The new Apple TV device was announced today at an Apple press conference in San Francisco. The set top box is now smaller, cheaper, and made simpler by removing that annoying option to purchase content.

Wait, what was that?

No, no you read correct. When using the new and improved Apple TV you will only be able to rent movies and television shows ($4.99 for first release HD movies, and $.99 for HD television shows). So, in theory I would be better off getting a Nintendo Wii, XBox 360, or Playstation 3 that plays games and can rent content from Netflix, right? Oh, what's that, the Apple TV syncs up to your Netflix account? So, that's a $10 a month charge for Netfix, plus the price of all the content you just rent... oh, okay. Looks like Apple Inc. will more than make up for the price cut by charging for those rentals.

But what about all those movies and music I have stored on my computer?

Oh, well those can be streamed to your Apple TV. So really, it's the same as the old Apple TV except with no internal storage for your movies and music. So it's really not simpler than the original Apple TV that's been out for three years, it's just smaller. But wait, you can surf a limited number of websites, like Youtube, flickr, and internet radio sites. Just think about it, no more do you have to watch Youtube on your small computer screen, you can now watch those silly cats on your big screen in all their pixilated glory.

Hey, at least I'll be able to turn that old TV into my ultimate media center... right?

Not so fast, if your television does not have an HDMI input, you're screwed. But hey, everybody who can afford Apple products can afford an upscale flat-panel TV. Sure there are adapters that you can buy, but that would adulterate the beauty that is Apple.

But, it totally integrates with all my other i-devices...

Yeah, you can stream content from your iPhone, iPod Touch, or iPad but, (and here is the big but) you could also buy a component (or composite) adapter cable for $50. For those keeping score at home, that is half the price of the new Apple TV.

So here is the take away message: if you already have an i-device, buy a cable for half the price of the Apple TV and stop worrying about streaming and renting and lining Steve Jobs' already painfully bloated wallet. And if you don't already have an i-device, go ahead and buy the Apple TV but remember, for $50 more a Nintendo Wii rents movies and plays video games that make you flail around like a giraffe on acid.

King Tut's Egyptian Throne: or, how to waste money and piss off friends

Oh Skymall catalog, we have been through so much together. It seems like every day you feature a new product that leaves me rolling on the floor laughing, trying to breathe. I know, I haven't always been kind, but never the less you always deliver: case in point, the King Tut's Egyptian Throne, for a paltry $895.
I love the idea of spending $900 on a (reproduced) piece of ancient history. There is just so much we can learn from this!
First off, obviously King Tut had no eye for modesty. In fact, had he lived in the present day, King Tut and Liberace would have had a head to head fight over who can have the more flamboyant decor.
Second, nobody can say for sure how King Tut died (the most recent theory is a leg injury, complicated by malaria and bone disease, source), but for my money it was lower back problems. There is a wafer-thin hint at a seat cushion on this "throne" and no lumbar support in sight. Maybe I'm crazy, but if I was king of the known world I sure as hell wouldn't be seated in something this rigid. A nice, plush recliner from Lazy-Boy or Pottery Barn sure, but a solid gold throne just isn't worth all that back pain.
And third, King Tut must have been a skinny guy. Just look at how narrow that seat is, there just isn't enough room to accommodate the girth of a properly plump ruler.
But hey, if you still want to buy this for you home, knock yourself out. But don't think your house guests won't notice how you serve Franzia at parties while sitting in a $900 conversation piece.

Facebook Places: or, Facebook stalking and you, a step by step guide to creepin'

Mid-August, Facebook rolled out a new feature for it's mobile platform known as "Facebook Places." In theory this feature will allow mobile users to alert all 521 of their closest friends and family to the fact that they just "checked in" to their school, the mall, or the opium den behind Crazy Eddie's Tattoos.
But what about those people who you added on a whim, who have never really met you, that guy who expressed a little more interest than usual in your music preferences? Well, "Places" is great news for your growing collection of pseudo-friends. They can have up to the minute updates on all your goings on. Don't be surprised if you are enjoying a sandwich and all of a sudden a man rushes up to you and says "Oh my God, Jeff, I thought I would find you here! You haven't sent me a Facebook email in months, man. How's that collection of Jimmy Eat World albums treating you?"
Oh, but everything is okay, because "Places" only updates to people that are included under your security setting. Unless, of course, you are one of the millions of people who still has security set to "everybody." In which case, you can expect a lot more "unexpected" run-ins with people you forgot you knew.
So then, happy stalking.

The Ped Egg Review: Or, Grate Your Heels and Cheese All In One

Are you tired of dry, callused feet? Are you sometimes embarrassed because your heels look like hooves? Then here is the product for you; the one, the only, the miraculous Ped Egg!
The "micro-files" on the Ped-Egg promise to gingerly shluf the dead skin from your feet, making you feel less like a dragon one layer of skin at a time. The creators of this product have even devised a nifty little trap for all the dead skin you saw from your feet, eliminating the mess. Now, instead of doing your feet over the trashcan like a Neanderthal you are free to groom anywhere; your couch, mid-morning traffic, the back of a crowded movie theater, an airplane, literally anywhere you would like to make people feel uncomfortable. As an added bonus, you can save your people-jerky-shavings to disgust/amaze friends and relatives.
True, there are many other pedi-files on the market that probably do a better job, cost less, and don't carry the risk of carving skin off your feet like a butcher on Thanksgiving but there is a hidden bonus to the Ped Egg... it is the only foot-file that doubles as a handy cheese grater for Italian night. The dead skin trap measures out the perfect amount of Parmesan cheese without letting half of it scatter over the table like traditional graters.

Kinoki Foot Pads: or, the art of excreting waste through your feet...

Any one who watches as much trash television as I do is sure to have seen the commercials for the "miracle" detoxing foot pads that are said to draw toxins and chemicals out of your body and turn black while you sleep. I would love to detail how great people percive this product to be, but alas I haven't the time, so take a quick break and read up for yourself (link).
So, by this point I can assume that you followed the link and read a handful of the truly enlightened reviews... good, on to mine.

These things are nothing more than large, smelly band-aids that don't absorb a damn thing more than your money. This product claims to help prevent high blood pressure, arthritis, diabetes, heart problems, kidney failure, and cancer. No really, check the ad on ebay, pretty much the only thing that these pads don't claim to do is wake the dead. But just to be safe you may as well slap a pair on paws of the next squirrel you run over.
The foot pads are claimed to work like the roots of a tree, which serve to draw toxins into the ground and out of the plant. Thus, it makes sense to place these pads on a human's foot because, come on, we are clearly closely related to foliage. Even if humans were more closely related to cherry trees than chimpanzees, THAT'S NOT HOW TREES WORK!! The only purpose that roots serve are 1) to provide a stable base for the plant and 2) to draw water and nutrients UP to the body of the plant. Any person who passed high school biology should know that, even if they were so stoned they occasionally smoked the ingredients for an experiment.
To add fuel to the fire, several independent labs have done tests where purified (i.e. toxin free) water was poured on the pads and, TA-DA, they turned just as black as if they had been slapped on Keith Richards' feet after he bathed in bourbon and groupies after a gig. Additionally, an analysis of pads worn by volunteers showed no evidence of heavy metals, toxic chemicals, or anything being drawn out of the body. However, when asked, volunteers reported feeling as though their I.Q. scores had taken a major hit.

Skymall: or, single handedly dominate your animal's bathroom habits

Any one who has traveled on an airplane can confirm at least two universal truths; the first is that budget cuts have severely damaged any chances of a decent meal (let alone a simple nosh), and the second is that there is always the SkyMall catalog begging for your attention and money like a homeless man standing next to an intersection. After glancing through one of these catalogs for just a few moments one thing becomes painfully clear... everybody involved in the publication process must be completely obsessed with controlling how cats and dogs do their, ah-hem, "business."

Let's start with cats: the first product offered is the "hidden litter box" (link). Described as the "decorative litter box you don't have to hide" this $129.99 contraption can best be described as the only potted plant you actually want Mr. Kitty to crap in. But that's not all, this is also the only litter box on the planet that you have to both clean and water, YAY! On top of that, you are now training the cat to drop a loaf of digested fancy feast right in with your ficus.
Okay, maybe you want to do away with litter boxes all together but you don't want kitty roaming the great, unknown expanses of your quarter acre backyard; ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the $59.99 Cat Toilette Training System (link). This is truly an invention of genius proportions, is it not? For the low, low price of sixty bucks you can now add another being to the roster of people who forget to flush the damn toilette. "But you never have to change a litter box again" you argue. Well fine, but now you have to wait for Ms. Whiskers to finisher her business while you have a Chipotle burrito on the line.
And finally, if the little girl inside you that always wanted a kitty also wants an old fashioned doll house why not get both with the Litter Box House for $79.99 (link)? That's right ladies, you can now own a litter box that is disguised as an adorable doll house, complete with extra fixtures to pretty it up however you please. Sadly, all the cute exterior fixtures in the world won't make up for the fact that this house will smell like Ken and Barbie let their septic tank overflow for years.
Bottom line, litter boxes are smelly and don't look nice anywhere, deal with it, you own a cat and you knew you would end up doing this.

And on to dogs, man's best friend and a being whose bodily functions are just too fun to ignore. We begin with the Indoor Dog Restroom for a mere $149.95 (link). As you can see, this clever little doggie urinal looks like a patch of grass, right in your own foyer. Just think, you get to trade walking your dog before work for having your apartment smell like stale, yet contained, dog urine when you get home, need I say more? Naturally, you will have to warn first-time guest to not tread on what appears, at first glance, to be a shoe scrapper. Close on this products heels is the $279.99 Porch Potty (link). This monument of modern invention has all the benefits of the Indoor Dog Restroom, with the added ability to convert to a small putting green when Rex has finished taking his morning leak.
The Doggie Doo Drain (link) is another device with multiple uses for the discerning pet owner. For a just $39.99 you can screw this device into your septic line or the local sewer. Then, when fluffy makes a number 2, you simple shovel up the Purina mess and drop it out of site like it never happened. As an added bonus, during your summer barbecues you simply drop a lit match into the always open drain and presto change-o, the flaming methane creates fantastic party lighting.
Last for dogs, we come to the venerable Potty Rock for $14.99 (link). For only fifteen dollars you can train your dog to not only piss on these special bricks, but on bricks all over the neighborhood. Perfect for playing tricks on your neighbor who just finished his beautiful brickwork around the front door. As a bonus, whenever a riot breaks out you will have the option of throwing bricks through store fronts that really say how you feel about the establishment.