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Monday, July 26, 2010

Kinoki Foot Pads: or, the art of excreting waste through your feet...


Any one who watches as much trash television as I do is sure to have seen the commercials for the "miracle" detoxing foot pads that are said to draw toxins and chemicals out of your body and turn black while you sleep. I would love to detail how great people percive this product to be, but alas I haven't the time, so take a quick break and read up for yourself (link).
So, by this point I can assume that you followed the link and read a handful of the truly enlightened reviews... good, on to mine.

These things are nothing more than large, smelly band-aids that don't absorb a damn thing more than your money. This product claims to help prevent high blood pressure, arthritis, diabetes, heart problems, kidney failure, and cancer. No really, check the ad on ebay, pretty much the only thing that these pads don't claim to do is wake the dead. But just to be safe you may as well slap a pair on paws of the next squirrel you run over.
The foot pads are claimed to work like the roots of a tree, which serve to draw toxins into the ground and out of the plant. Thus, it makes sense to place these pads on a human's foot because, come on, we are clearly closely related to foliage. Even if humans were more closely related to cherry trees than chimpanzees, THAT'S NOT HOW TREES WORK!! The only purpose that roots serve are 1) to provide a stable base for the plant and 2) to draw water and nutrients UP to the body of the plant. Any person who passed high school biology should know that, even if they were so stoned they occasionally smoked the ingredients for an experiment.
To add fuel to the fire, several independent labs have done tests where purified (i.e. toxin free) water was poured on the pads and, TA-DA, they turned just as black as if they had been slapped on Keith Richards' feet after he bathed in bourbon and groupies after a gig. Additionally, an analysis of pads worn by volunteers showed no evidence of heavy metals, toxic chemicals, or anything being drawn out of the body. However, when asked, volunteers reported feeling as though their I.Q. scores had taken a major hit.

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